The past two months for me have been exhausting, I shouldn’t be this tired at 28 years old. I should be out being social and happy and shiny and bright, but instead I am sitting at home planning another doctors visit, and wondering what blood tests they will have in store for me. I am luckier than most, my diseases don’t make me hurt, and for that I am grateful, and I just have to keep reminding myself of that. I just have auto-immune diseases, my body is trying to destroy my thyroid, and I have celiacs disease, and apparently now it’s trying to destroy my cells that create insulin for my body. I have blood tests almost every week, and I had an MRI done yesterday which proved to be added stress I didn’t actually need because it only revealed a microadenoma on my pituitary gland that they weren’t sure if it was really a microadenoma or just cell cell debris because it was so damn small, but because they are doctors they err on the side of caution and so I will have another MRI in 6 months to a year. Why am I telling you all this? Because I need to get it out, I need to bitch and moan and be weak for just one day, I need to not be ok with everything that’s happening for a minute and I need to feel sad because I am so tired of being wonder woman and going through my every day trying to do it all with a smile. I hate that any of this is happening, I hate that I had to give up all my favorite foods, and sugar, and I am so fucking tired of salads I could scream. I just want to be healthy, I want to stop feeling guilty because I feel like I am robbing my husband of a chance to have a happy healthy wife, I want to be the healthy daughter my parents hoped for, I want to be the friend who isn’t always tired and sad on the inside. I want to remember what its like going through an entire day with out having something to cry about. Today I am not ok, and I am not sorry for that, because tomorrow I will be fine again, but today is my day too feel sorry for myself and to feel angry that I am sick, and to be tired of being tired.
My comfy sofa bed that makes me feel slightly better: L&K – Spring evening sofa bed (PG) – Available at The Designers Warehouse